45 words to avoid at the Thanksgiving table and beyond.

Back in 2004 a wildly popular Ann Coulter wrote a smokin hot book about how to talk to liberals.  Ann warned that one shouldn’t be defensive. She advised that outraging the opposition is a must. She cautioned against being apologetic, complementary, or gracious. 

We’re heading towards twenty years since “How to Talk to a Liberal” and the division situation has gotten much, much worse. We don’t have liberals anymore; we only have activists. One wrong word will initiate a sanctimonious shut down but being triggered shouldn’t be a deus x machina to trump the principles of coherent discourse. Also, Trump. See what I did there?

When I ran for office, I learned very quickly that some people don’t want to be reached; they’re just looking for a human rage receptacle. Some have confused heckling with activism, but at some point, we are going to need to talk. 

Using sophisticated weighted social media subject matter analysis, I’ve uncovered the most triggering of all people and things. If you are brave enough to take on a social issue, avoid these words at all costs. 

1. Vax: Bring it up and your “anti.” Government can’t control your body, except when it comes to medicine. 

2. Mask: Don’t say it. And you can’t be concerned that healthy vaxxed people still wear them while walking alone outdoors. 

3. LGTBQi+: Any combination of the letter symbol designations will shut down the discussion.

4. Tucker Carlson: Anything on Fox News is a trigger but this one is a conversational mortal sin.

5. Maddow: Oh boy. Well, not boy. But not in that sense. Well not in the sense that you think I said it. See where this goes?

6. My Pillow Guy: Oh God, not this again. He got an award from the former president and only advertises on Fox News. I honestly don’t even know his name. 

7. Trump, (Donald J): Because he’s a lying insurrectionist racist. Duh. Because he’s the only politician who has ever lied. Because, because, because, because, because…

8. Hunter Biden: Mike Meyer’s racist genderist ageist political mega flop “Pentaverate” codified “but his laptop” as trigger meme. 

9. Codified: One of a dozen words President Biden can utter without getting lost in his thoughts. Bless him. 

10. January 6: Because “we” will never let “you” forget

11. Insurrection: See 1/6. 

12. AOC: Don’t bring up any member of the squad. I’m not even going to list them. They’re conversational kryptonite. 

13. Pronouns: It’s right up there with people who phonetically spell their names in email signatures. 

14. Climate: Don’t even talk about the weather. This will only bring pain. 

15. Woke: Sweet infant God no. See also “diversity”

16. Diversity: A great idea, now meaningless liberal punctuation. 

17. Fox News: Name anyone with a show and discourse dies. Any reference to content featured therein is also taboo. 

18. MSNBC: See “Fox News”

19. CNN: See “MSNBC”

20. China: Because where you people get your iPhones matters and TikTok is perfectly safe. 

21. Covid: See “China”

22. Vote:  It’s universally accepted as a lefty dog whistle. 

23. The Constitution: The Bill of Rights is the first 10 Amendments to the Constitution and anyone talking about any amendment is waiting to unleash Maddow or Tucker references.

24. The border: I went there. No, I mean geographically. Not long ago I drove to Laredo, talked to border patrols, and bumped into U.S. Congressman Dr. Henry Cuellar. He was cool as hell.  No one really actually cares but for some reason people go nuclear at the drop of a hat.

25. Fentanyl: No one is really sure what it is but talking about it will 100% incite blind rage. 

26. Crypto: Daddy gave Larry David our money and we’re poor now. 

27. Student Loans: Only privileged racists talk about paying debts. 

28. <insert any color> matters: Just put it down and walk away, Ye.

29. Republican: They’re a bunch of lying cheating scoundrels. All of them. And anyone who doesn’t think so is a bigot. 

30. Democrat: see “Republican”

31. Schools: Don’t say school board. Conversational plutonium.   

32. Democracy: It may have been on the ballot, but it’s now just a symbol of blue party hegemony.

33. Roe V: I’m not even going to finish it. Any mention of the word that “Rhymes with 'shmashmortion' is the thirdest rail of all.  

34. Fauci: “Do no harm” doesn’t mean, “make no money.” See also “China” and “Covid”

35. Divisive: See “Fauci”

36. Nancy Pelosi: Twin sub z’s filled with uber expensive gelato and Covid haircuts, she’s guaranteed to tear up any conversation. 

37. Misinformation: There is no way to say this without sounding like a pedantic tool. 

38. Science: Because science. Which science? Doesn’t matter, it will blow up on you. 

39. Course correct: Speaking of sounding like a pedantic tool, “course correcting” anyone is about as condescending as it gets.  

40. Wave: It doesn’t matter if you are talking red or blue, no good can come of this. 

41. AR-15: This might be the mother of all triggers and is synonymous with “weapons of war”

42. C’mon man: This, along with the guy who says it, is a nonstarter. 

43. Candace Owens: I once asked who she was in a Facebook post. At the time I hadn’t heard of her.  The ensuing dogpile event was epic. People I’d known forever –who should know better  -- were suddenly “outing me” as racist. Curiosity = total damnation. 

44. Elon Musk: Since taking on the Twitter, he’s media coverage persona non grata.  As long as the world doesn’t ever run out of sweet stinky weed and Ambien, my best friend’s Tesla is good to go. Tesla was number 46 in this ranking,  by the way. Ending on 45 was funnier though. You have to walk away somewhere.

45. Forty five: see, “Trump”

Happy Thanksgiving!